A Eulogy For A Friend

Harry has passed on.

As I embark on this difficult task of writing a eulogy for him, I know that there are no words I can write which will do him justice. Yet, I must. For myself as much as for him.

My earliest memory of Harry is from the first year of college. It had been only a week or two since we had joined. Most of us were experiencing life away from home for the first time, and everyone was reacting differently. Kishore took me to Ujjawal's room one day, and I met this unassuming, chilled out surd who somehow looked a lot different from the typical "surd" image that had been created in my head in those few days in Punjab. He talked about music, movies, football and other geeky stuff I could totally relate to. And he seemed quite uncomfortable in uttering abuses which seemed to flow quite naturally from most people's mouths.

We quickly became friends. He was as big a Manchester United fanatic as I was, and we watched all our football together, often having to scour the entire campus to find a TV in some hostel that was playing the right match. We started participating in coding competitions and such together, and did other geeky stuff together. I looked up to him since those days. He knew so much, and he taught me that you could find the answer to anything if you looked hard enough.

We watched the 2008 UEFA Champions League final together. Manchester United against Chelsea. It was an amazing game, and right in the middle of our final exams. There were only a few of us crazy enough to ditch studying mathematics, load ourselves with chips and soft drinks, and spend the whole night watching the game. It was an epic night, one that will forever be etched on my memory. I was so happy by the end of it that I was jumping around in joy, treating everyone to my mom's brilliant homemade sweets. Harry right alongside, of course.

Our friendship deepened as time passed. Even though I was living in a different room, I spent a lot of time in Harry's room in the second year, especially during exam time. None of us studied till practically the last night, and everyone handled it differently when the last night came. We were among the lucky group who knew how to exploit the system and ended up getting decent grades somehow. I was always pestering him for help, though. I remember one particular evening when Harry, Ujjawal and Sam decided that we should wrestle. I was left gasping for breath, and everyone had tears in their eyes from laughing too much.

His indecisiveness was legendary. He took his own sweet time making his decisions, be the situation big or small. He was not easily swayed by what other people had to say. But once he made a decision, he stuck by it - and they were generally good decisions.

Being a gamer naturally goes with being a geek, I suppose. All of us loved to play games! There was this phase in the third year, when we had all moved to the J Hostel, when we started playing multiplayer Unreal Tournament - Harry's favorite game. He was the most excited of all of us, and of course the best. Being football freaks, we also played a lot of FIFA together. Our contests were epic. We usually had days - either he would kick my butt or I would kick his. I still remember the day when I beat his Spain with France in FIFA '09, when I was down to 10 men. FIFA geeks will understand the meaning of this.

A few of us stayed back in college during the summer vacations after the third year, to attend classes for CCNA. It was a weird 9 or 10 days - the heat was oppressive, and everyone wanted to go home. Harry was the only one among us who actually completed all 4 modules of the certification.

Placement time came in 2010. It was an exciting time, everyone was moved into action. I was lucky enough to be selected for an internship at Juniper Networks, alongside Harry. I was very happy that day, for I knew my association with Harry would continue beyond college. When I got placed at Goldman Sachs, it was a bittersweet, because I knew Harry was really keen on this job, and his name was in the final three, but only two were selected. It would've been epic.

We came to Bangalore together for the internship, stayed together in clumsy room at a paying guest accommodation, made our first honest buck together, and had some truly spectacular experiences - the most notable being witnessing Wayne Rooney's bicycle kick winner over Manchester City at the official United Bar, and then attending a Bryan Adams concert the next night. My leg was in a cast, which made the weekend even more epic!

We ended up taking a flat together with Gunjeet when we started actual jobs after the internship - he continued at Juniper and I moved to GS. He was always moving around the house with a football at his feet, kicking it against the walls. I think it helped him think. He was obviously doing brilliantly at his job.

He was always calm - I've never seen him get really angry at someone or raise his vocie (The only time I've seen him irritated is when people called him "Rose", which was his nickname!). He was infinitely patient - I've seen him on the phone for hours, trying to help his dad figure out what was wrong with his modem. He was witty and fun - he could poke and irritate people without uttering one abusive or angry word. He was always confident, always moving forward, always looking for the next best thing, and not afraid to reach out for it.

My last memory of Harry is us dancing around like idiots at a foam party, then watching the second half of a football game and playing pool. And then, me saying "good luck" to him that fateful morning as I drifted out of sleep for a few seconds as he was leaving.

I miss him. I miss him when I watch football. I miss our crazy conversations and stupid arguments. I miss being jealous of him because he was so amazing. Now, I'll never have the chance to try to beat him. I probably wasn't his best friend, but he probably was mine. And I'm not ashamed to say I'm crying as I write this.

His father said that even though he'd had a tiny life, his son had made him proud.

His screen name was "reallyunreal". It was just perfect.

Be at peace, brother. And shine on!

Don't Forget To Be Awesome

I am awesome.

Well, sometimes. And of late, I guess I'd forgotten to be awesome. And as I've been realizing, the key is to let the awesome version of me control the idiots, and thus increase the percentage of time I spend being awesome!

On a related note, I found this blog. This guy Joel Runyon is awesome. Whatever he says is pretty much along the lines of whatever I've been thinking of late, and it's good to know the thoughts of someone who's already done what you're trying to do. Get disciplined, not motivated!

In his words: "If you want to do something, just freaking do it already."

I've piled up quite the reading list of late so I'm going to go and start reading and being awesome.

I am back!

I'm the kind of person who believes things cannot be forced - there has to be some kind of internal belief and acceptance for me to do anything, really. If something is going wrong, I probably will know that it is, and I probably will make half-hearted efforts to set it right, but until that belief is not there I'm not likely to succeed.

I have been neglecting this space, and on a personal level been kind of on a downward spiral. Thank you to my dear readers (numbering one) for making me realize that I can do so much, and for making me want to. 

I am back, and feeling good about it!

Emptiness

I'm in shock. I have no idea how the last three days went by. I practically haven't touched work, and I can't figure out how I spent those hours in the office.

Everything seems more vivid, and yet blurred at the same time. The sights and sounds of the city seem brighter and clearer, and yet more distant. The experiences beckon to me, and yet even if I have them now they will be incomplete. The dreams seem closer, and yet more out of reach.

There is an emptiness inside me, an infinite void.

However, there is also cautious optimism. The anguish will pass, the mind will be still once more, and I will come out of this experience stronger, happier and more mature. And so will she. Hopefully we will be better individuals, and better together.

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My feelings of despair and delight are quite well represented by this beautiful music: 

Project FixMe

I've been reading a lot about habits. Whoever said "we are creatures of habit" was right. Everyone has habits, good and bad, and everyone lives their daily lives on the basis of these habits.

I used to think that I'm a strong willed person, and I could do anything if I really wanted to. The more I think about it and observe myself, however, the more apparent it becomes that I'm a slave to my habits, just like everybody else.  I used to think that I could change all the bad things about myself in one shot if I really tried hard enough. Again, an illusion. Your habits are who you are, and its not exactly easy to change who you are overnight.

It takes concentrated effort to actually change something about yourself, and you're more than likely to fail at the first attempt. I now realize that becoming who you want to be is an ongoing process, and you may be successful after several iterations and changing yourself in tiny bits. And it will probably take a lifetime.

I've also realized that I tend to put things off by giving myself arbitrary excuses. However, the logical me believes that unless there's a strong reason for putting something off, there's no better time to start than now. 

In that spirit, I christen this effort to reprogram myself as "Project FixMe". I've opened a publicly accessible Google spreadsheet (link below) to mark my progress against some pre-decided goals, with the aim to achieve these goals and make them habits.

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Interesting reading on "habits" can be found here and here.

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My spreadsheet can be found here. My first goals are sleeping by 12AM each night, and getting 8 hours of sleep.

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"We are what we repeatedly do, therefore excellence is not an act, but a habit"
- Will Durant

Football Randomness

It's funny and almost pathetic, how I keep hoping that Cristiano Ronaldo has a secret contract to come back to Man United. And how every summer I think he'll come back and United will win everything.

Football videos can be really inspirational you know. I just decided that Paul Scholes is my favourite footballer. The way he stays away from attention and controversy, does his job well, and continues to remain the backbone of one of the best teams in the world is just amazing. I'm starting to think of him as a role model.

Discovering Myself #1

I am at my most creative when I'm alone. Constructive discussion and collaboration helps, but it is only possible to let go and allow a chain of thought follow through in solitude, in a peaceful environment.

This simple observation can have far reaching implications in my work life, as well as in my quest to become the ideal version of myself.

The Dreamy Kind

It's funny, how some things just lift you up and make you feel empowered. Which make you dream, and make you believe you can realize your dreams if you just try. Which make you want to become the ideal version of yourself.

For me, quite often, that something is music. Thank you, Green Children, for making me dream again. And thank you, Android, for letting me reach out.

Addiction

Those times when you're freshly addicted to something and don't have a clue how the hours melt away. Priceless.

But also productivity destroying :-/.

Rain, Oh Beautiful Rain!

After weeks of oppressive heat, intermittent cloud cover, and the heavens threatening to burst open, they finally just did. And its awesome!

Rain somehow always makes me feel happy and light headed. The feeling when I'm fully drenched in freezing cold rain water. Pure exhilaration. And the smell of the earth afterwards, heavenly. The only downside is I feel like dropping all work and just lazing around, drinking tea and smoking cigarettes lol.

I just really wish someone was here to share this moment with me.

Discipline, Success and Wisdom.

For most people, it takes a number of attempts at anything to get it right. You have to persist, and if you are disciplined enough, you'll eventually get where you want to be.

I've realized a few things since I've started working. Discipline is very important for success, no matter what you do. If you identify, organize and prioritize your tasks, have action items, and complete those action items according to plan, more likely than not you'll taste success. And things don't change overnight. Changing yourself takes time, and is difficult. Even though everyone wants to change for the better, not everyone is successful because at some point you just give up. The key is to keep at it.

It's not like I've suddenly discovered the formula for success or anything. These are pearls of wisdom that have been around for generations. And that's another thing I've learnt. Understanding comes with time. You can try to have the right mindset, but you can't force yourself to believe in something unless you understand it and the belief comes from within.

Unfortunately, as I read somewhere, age is too high a price to pay for wisdom.

Goodbye, sweet night.

It's funny, only yesterday I was thinking how much I love the night and how much I would hate to give up her company. And today I realized that to be successful in my current situation (yes, I mean my job), I'll be seeing her a lot lesser than I would like to.

Goodbye, dear friend. I shall miss you a lot.

PS: Thank god for weekends.

Happy Post :)

If you have noticed, most of my posts are kind of sad and depressing. Which makes sense, because according to my thought process here, every time I spend time thinking about my life and what I'm doing, I feel sad and depressed. Also, today is a Sunday, and I tend to start experiencing Monday Morning Blues on a Sunday morning itself. Hence, this was going to be another sad and depressing post.

However, an insane (yet amazing) person has asked me to make this a happy post. She says writing a sad and depressing post is easy, because that's how I feel. She says writing a happy post will take more effort, but it will make me feel better. And guess what, I'm already feeling better. 

She says she'll help me get better at life. By talking to me, motivating me to do my best, and also doing well herself. I honestly believe collaboration and healthy interdependence work. I've made a number of attempts in the past to try to collaborate with people, but it's difficult, and with one or two exceptions I've mostly been disappointed. But I'm going to give it another shot.

Anyhow, cheers :).

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Since I'm in a happy mood, I'm going to share a happy picture. 

Guilt and Innocence

Why is it so easy to do things that make you feel guilty, and yet so difficult to do things that you know are right? It is not difficult to live life without really thinking about what you're doing. It is not difficult to project an illusion of success, to even believe the illusion yourself. But unless you're truly satisfied with your life[1], there's always that thing gnawing at the back of your mind which tries to force you to think, to figure yourself out. And if you actually pause and think for two seconds, it's not difficult to see your life come crumbling down in front of you. 

Whenever I take the two seconds to think, it is somewhat clear to me what I should do to get where I want to be. It's the doing it that's difficult. Even though I know something will make better, more competent, even if it is something as simple as taking a walk each morning or being true to my work, I just can't seem to get myself to do it. It takes a monumental effort to even take one step in the right direction. Yet it is so easy to take a million steps in the wrong one. 

I am always running away.

Is it just me?

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Note to Self: Be strong. Keep fighting. And keep thinking.

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 [1] The only way you can be truly satisfied is if you're truly successful and have achieved all you wanted to in life, or if you're a complete idiot. And in either case, you don't give a damn what the world thinks.

Life

Now is the time to explore myself. To do different things. To try and fail. To pursue greatness. There will be plenty of time to sit back and enjoy later.

Stages of Life

Everyone has their beliefs, their own system of rights and wrongs. But just knowing what's right for you isn't enough to believe in it and to be able to follow it. You can't always tell when or how your thought process changes. It might be because of a trigger, an event that forces you to think. Or it might be over a period of time, with stimuli you can't really point your finger at. But one thing's certain, you can't really adhere to a principle or a belief unless it sinks in and comes from the inside.

Missed Conversations

I don't have many friends. You know, many real friends.

Has it ever happened to you that you have made acquaintance with someone. Maybe met them at school or at work, but never really knew them? And then after years you talk to them, like really talk to them, and discover that they're actually quite interesting? It's a good experience.

It's just like in the hustle and bustle of daily life you actually don't know yourself very well, I guess it's the same with other people. Day-to-day relationships are only skin deep and you don't really connect with other people, don't really know them. People don't just open up to each other because they're a part of each other's daily lives.

It feels good to actually know someone.

Logic and Emotion

How do I put it. Have you ever had that feeling when you know exactly what you want to do, exactly where you want to be, and even have a vague idea of how to get there? Sometimes I have these lucid moments in the middle of the humdrum of daily life. Moments when I can actually think, actually see. Even though these moments are short lived and I can't seem to remember the last time I completed my thought process all the way through, I often strongly decide that I want to do something. However, these moments are so fleeting that I would normally forget about them before the day was done.

Life is simple, yet complicated. If you think about anything logically, taking into consideration only those factors which would make sense in an ideal world, deciding upon a course of action isn't that difficult. But the world is not ideal, and lets not start on that topic. Even if you do manage to think logically, thinking is not doing. The human condition comes in the way. 

noteToSelf = "I wish I could just turn off the human condition and follow logic. I have a hunch it would lead to great things";

postScript = "I've been oscillating between unbearable dejection, apathy, escapism, white hot rage and rare (aforementioned) moments of lucidity these past few days. Again, I wish I could just turn humanity off and actually do what makes sense. Alas.";