Logic and Emotion

How do I put it. Have you ever had that feeling when you know exactly what you want to do, exactly where you want to be, and even have a vague idea of how to get there? Sometimes I have these lucid moments in the middle of the humdrum of daily life. Moments when I can actually think, actually see. Even though these moments are short lived and I can't seem to remember the last time I completed my thought process all the way through, I often strongly decide that I want to do something. However, these moments are so fleeting that I would normally forget about them before the day was done.

Life is simple, yet complicated. If you think about anything logically, taking into consideration only those factors which would make sense in an ideal world, deciding upon a course of action isn't that difficult. But the world is not ideal, and lets not start on that topic. Even if you do manage to think logically, thinking is not doing. The human condition comes in the way. 

noteToSelf = "I wish I could just turn off the human condition and follow logic. I have a hunch it would lead to great things";

postScript = "I've been oscillating between unbearable dejection, apathy, escapism, white hot rage and rare (aforementioned) moments of lucidity these past few days. Again, I wish I could just turn humanity off and actually do what makes sense. Alas.";

Epic Rant

Warning: This is going to be a no holds barred rant. Without any edits.

On the Mental Block
Sometimes I feel that my thoughts are flowing and I'm really making progress with something. Then I move a level above the thinking and my brain stops. And I can't get back to my train of thought no matter what I do. It's like there's a marker in my head and I keep thinking about that marker instead of what I want to be thinking about. It's fucking annoying, you know.

On Discipline
There are a million things I want to do. And a fucking million others I don't. Somehow the things I end up doing are mostly from the second list.
I honestly used to believe I had the potential to be great. I'm not so sure anymore. One thing I firmly believe is that discipline is essential for anyone to be someone. And I don't have a rat's ass worth of discipline. Not in my professional life, not in my personal life. There are some very simple things I can do which will enrich my life and make it infinitely more effective. And there are certain things whose absence would do the same. I end up doing exactly what shouldn't be done. I keep telling myself "it's a new beginning from today". Which eventually becomes "from tomorrow". And that "tomorrow" obviously never comes.

On Being Lazy
I'm the fucking laziest guy I know. Also the most lethargic and unenthusiastic and apathetic. Discipline implies being proactive, and simply "not lazy". I want to be disciplined, believe me I do. Every now and then I start thinking about things I want to do, work up a certain fury within me, and brace myself to change. But before long the fire dies and I sink deeper than before.

On Not Wanting to Work but still Wanting Money
This ties in to being lazy. I would be very happy if I could just laze around all day and still have full to bursting coffers. The thing I usually fail to realize is that that is a dream. Just thinking about the end result is like building castles in the cloud. The only way that is possible, unless you come from a filthy rich family, is by getting filthy rich in the first place. And that is only possible by working hard or cheating smart. I don't seem to be capable of doing either of those things. I did believe I was very lucky but I'm not too sure of even that anymore.

On Being Optimistic/Pessimistic
When i used to be a kid I used to write these diary entries similar in tone to this rant. They always had a to-do list and a lot of positiveness which always seemed to make me feel better. But as far as I can remember I never fulfilled my goals anyway, only tried, and honestly, not my best. Don't get me wrong, I still am going to make a fucking list of all the things I want to do. But no more crap. No more fake enthusiasm. Just brash reality.

On Looking for a comrade-in-arms
I somehow have this belief that it would be a lot easier to discipline myself if I had someone else who really wanted to do something, and we could both track each other's progress and motivate each other and share our experiences. That's kind of like the idea behind alcoholics anonymous etc and I don't know if it works or not, but it certainly hasn't worked out for me so far.
I don't know how many people I've had real heart-to-hearts with. The only person with whom I seem to have one of those periodically is D. Each time we decide something like "Yes, we're going to do this. We'll watch each other's backs and get through this". We talk for hours on such days, whether it be over the phone or in person. The excitement is palpable. But invariably neither of us ends up doing anything. I don't want to say I'm better at starting or he is, but I do try to push him and he doesn't respond. And so, the flame dies again. No one is ready to put in the required effort even for themselves, let alone for someone else.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who're at this stage in their thought process, maybe it would help if I could talk to one of them. But for that, I need to know one of them. Universe, if you're listening...?

On Being Organized
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was always as fucking useless as I am right now. At least I tried to work hard and I was organized, if nothing else. Even that is gone now. My stuff is a bloody mess. I haven't had a proper to-do list in ages and ages. My notes are not planned anymore and just seem like a random jumble of bullshit. My memory seems to be failing me at work, I can't seem to remember stuff people told me just 2 days ago.

And most importantly, my will just seems to be dying. I have no fucking idea what I want to do in life. A part of me wants money and not having to worry about it I definitely want. I even might have a teeny tiny idea about how I want to start getting there. Another part wants to leave all of this behind and just run far far away. To try stuff till I figure out what I want to do. To think. I just don't seem to have the guts to do anything though, and that's the fucking problem.

On Being a Mental Wreck
If I ever spend 5 minutes simply pausing and taking a look at how things are going, this is kind of the state my mind gets to. Maybe that's why I'm not able to think, because I'm fucking scared. I may seem all fine on the outside. But I'm realizing that inside I'm mostly a train wreck. And the funny part is the train tries to pretend to itself that it's not wrecked at all.

On Darkness
I want to see the light.

Birthday Wishes to a Mad Girl :)

Today is a mad girl's birthday. This crazy guy wants the mad girl in question to know that she is remembered and missed. He knows she's not feeling so good for some reason, but he wants her to feel special. He wants to see her smile so badly that he spent a considerable amount of time on the internet trying to find just the right card for her, but in the end concluded that she is so special that none of those silly cards would be right for her. And he knows that she will read this, and hopes that cheeky though it is, it will bring a smile to her face.

Because it's really late at night (or really early in the morning :), this crazy guy is going to bed now.

Happy Birthday, mad girl :).

FML

</FML>
So it's happening again.
Last night I was practically depressed. I felt like screaming my heart out, or crying in bed. It took all the self control I had not to pick up the phone and dial her number.
Am I so dependent on her that my day to day moods swing at whim? Or do I just have to find a reason to be depressed all the time?
Maybe I'm just not fit to be in a relationship.
</FML>

...

Back to base.
The trip abroad was a lot of fun, but the dream is over now and harsh reality has started to sink in. It's a hard world out there. Living life and being happy doesn't come easy. Not at all.

I had a long long chat with D last night. It was quite a depressing conversation but this is one good thing that came out of it. I'm going to try again to bring discipline into my life.

PS: My grandmother passed away today. I'm not quite able to understand how it has affected me. I was not very close with her at a personal level. But if I try to imagine how I would react if my mother died, I wonder how she must be feeling right now.
And it's weird how quickly all traces of a person's life vanish after they've passed on. Just yesterday she was alive and whole, even though not keeping well. And today, she's nothing more than ashes in a box. Will I leave a mark on this world when I'm gone? Or will I also end up as ashes lost in the sands of time?

Little Friends

I made a lot of new friends in the past few days. And a lot of little friends too. I hope I make more friends, both big and little, even though I'm not a socializing kind of person.

PS: I was reflecting on how my emotions sort of just switch off once I've left home. I love my independence. I have to figure out how to control them when they do threaten to get out of hand. You wouldn't notice either way in any case though :P.

Sometimes I just feel so vulnerable. I think about how easily things can go wrong. How easily I can take a wrong turn and end up dead (I know it got a bit too theatrical, but you know what I mean).

So I've arrived in B. I've left home and taken my first real step towards being a grown up. And remarkably, that horrible feeling I've been talking about is all but gone. For now, at least.

I join my new job tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Winds of Change

There's one thing about myself which I know without a shadow of a doubt. I'm a "status quo" kind of guy. I'm usually okay with the way things are going. And I'm shit scared of change, especially if it's sudden.

Unfortunately most major changes in life are sudden. They may be planned, but they're still sudden.

Things have been changing ever since I left home for the first time and went to college. But now I'm staring at the biggest changes so far in my young life. I'm starting a new job, moving to a new city. I'll also be travelling out of the country for some time. Also, I'm about to leave the fortunes of a certain project I'd been working on with friends to powers higher than myself. I'm also going away from her, and I have no way to know if she'll follow me.

I've been saying this about every vacation I've had for the past year: This is the last time I'll get to spend so much time at home. Now it's finally true. Today is the last day I spend at home as a kid. Tomorrow I go out into the big bad world and fend for myself. No wonder when my mom was coaxing me out of sleep this morning, I mumbled to her "Mom, please keep me at home only."

That horrible feeling I mentioned here, I have it again today.

Winds of change are blowing.

PS: Not to take away the positive things about change. I'm embarking on a new adventure. I know I'm going where I want to go, at the moment. Both physically and professionally. And I firmly believe times of major change are the easiest times to work on oneself. But that doesn't change how I feel about it.

WTF #1

I give her hell about stuff I shouldn't give her hell about. Stuff which is no one's fault really.

Am I wrong?
Yes. Sometimes, not always.

Do I realize it when I'm wrong?
If I spend a minute thinking about it, yes. In the normal course, not immediately. The problem is once I get upset over something it can only get worse. I tend to get confrontational and give her hell. Even if I realize that it's not worth it, it takes a lot of effort to pull out of an argument.

Am I pushing her away, despite having no intention of doing so?
Million Dollar Question!

Have you ever had that feeling? That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. When you know something's wrong, but can't quite point your finger at it. When little things irritate you and you're ready to throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. When you feel immeasurable sadness, when you feel like breaking down and crying your heart out.

I had that feeling today. It seems to have subsided a little, though.

Say Ooh Ah Cantona!

The fortunes of Manchester United hold the power to affect me almost physically. There is no way I won't be ecstatic after a significant victory and there is no way I won't be borderline depressed after a significant loss.

Watching well made videos about past and forthcoming glories always makes my hair stand on end with excitement. Maybe I should use these videos for therapy, like some people use chocolate :P.

King Eric is my latest obsession. What a player! What flamboyance, style and sheer ability! Once, he kung-fu kicked a mouthy Crystal Palace fan who had it coming, and later told the reporters "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea." He recently admitted that the kick was "a great feeling", and he was happy that it was treasured by his fans. Beat that :P.

United would surely have raped Barcelona if he was still playing. Long Live the King! GGMU!

Here's a video which will probably explain the title of the post. Go die if it doesn't make you feel alive. (I'm talking about the chant. Imagine people chanting like that for you)

PS: The next week will be a lot more interesting than I'd hoped :).

Old Friends :)

There are a very few people I can talk to freely, without many worries. D is one such person. One of the things I admire the most about him is how he is not afraid to say what he feels. To your face. Also he is the same with guys and girls (minus the obscene language bit of course), which is very very rare. I just hope he has the courage to chase his dreams and doesn't end up behind a desk doing something he doesn't really like for too long.

Which reminds me, I need to figure out what I want to do in life.

PS: Hawk had an amazing time with her today. They were very bold. And they've both decided not to be weird for the time being. Fun!

(You know who I'm talking about, I just haven't come up with a fitting alias yet :P)

I never thought I could be like this again. So into one person, so dependent on them that my mood from one moment to the next depends upon them. Let's be clear on one thing: I'm straight and we're talking about a "her" :P.

After my initial tryst with the world of "love" and "relationships", I thought that I had changed for good. I thought that I had become a better person. I believed that even if I did get emotionally close to someone, I would be mature enough to keep it healthy. In short, I thought that I had grown up. Apparently I was mistaken.

Don't get me wrong, I had changed. I was not easily bothered by the mundane day-to-day things that generally bother people and interpersonal relationships hardly affected me. You could say that I had become cold. Not ice-cold, but definitely cold. Yes, there were days when I felt horrible. There were certain periods when these days came by quite often. But mostly the reasons were right. And until quite recently my mood was mostly stable.

You should see my mood swings now. They're spectacular. One moment I'm happy, the very next I'm inexplicably sad, as if I've lost my very spirit. I get irked because she does something I don't particularly like, and I end up giving her a hard time about it even though I don't mean to. Sometimes she's just plain weird. Sometimes I'm just plain weird. Of course there are the tremendously happy and satisfying moments too, especially when we actually meet. And the normal times, when we give each other virtual company most waking hours of the day. But the point is my psyche is not very stable, and I hate that fact.

I really like her. That is something I'm ready to state without any qualms. Let's leave it at that.

Humble Beginnings

So, I finally decided to start a(nother) blog.
I was greatly inspired by a certain En's blog, even though I don't know her. She writes really well.

This is intended to be an open, yet private place. If that is at all possible. I used to maintain a journal till not too long ago. It used to be my best friend once upon a time, a shoulder to lean on. But as time passed by, we grew more and more distant. The most tangible reason for that would have to be my sheer laziness. Can't help it, I'm a bum. Even when I did write in my journal, it was as if I was writing for an audience, as if I wanted it to be read. So consider this a continuation, though this time people will really be reading what I write.

A humble request to whoever ends up visiting this space: Feel free to share your views and drop comments. It'll be appreciated :).

I will be careful not to take names and reveal identities. People probably will be mentioned here, so I'll make up cool aliases :D. If you think I've mentioned you and figure out what your alias is, do tell me what you think about it. I may even consider changing it if you ask nicely enough :P.

Disclaimer: A lot of my posts are likely to be melancholy and depressing, though I can't promise :P.

PS: Thanks Vader, for coming up with the URL of the blog. I may have dismissed it at that time, but it's seriously awesome. And I'm glad I registered it because otherwise I'm sure you'd have used it for your own blog :P.