Don't Forget To Be Awesome

I am awesome.

Well, sometimes. And of late, I guess I'd forgotten to be awesome. And as I've been realizing, the key is to let the awesome version of me control the idiots, and thus increase the percentage of time I spend being awesome!

On a related note, I found this blog. This guy Joel Runyon is awesome. Whatever he says is pretty much along the lines of whatever I've been thinking of late, and it's good to know the thoughts of someone who's already done what you're trying to do. Get disciplined, not motivated!

In his words: "If you want to do something, just freaking do it already."

I've piled up quite the reading list of late so I'm going to go and start reading and being awesome.

I am back!

I'm the kind of person who believes things cannot be forced - there has to be some kind of internal belief and acceptance for me to do anything, really. If something is going wrong, I probably will know that it is, and I probably will make half-hearted efforts to set it right, but until that belief is not there I'm not likely to succeed.

I have been neglecting this space, and on a personal level been kind of on a downward spiral. Thank you to my dear readers (numbering one) for making me realize that I can do so much, and for making me want to. 

I am back, and feeling good about it!

Emptiness

I'm in shock. I have no idea how the last three days went by. I practically haven't touched work, and I can't figure out how I spent those hours in the office.

Everything seems more vivid, and yet blurred at the same time. The sights and sounds of the city seem brighter and clearer, and yet more distant. The experiences beckon to me, and yet even if I have them now they will be incomplete. The dreams seem closer, and yet more out of reach.

There is an emptiness inside me, an infinite void.

However, there is also cautious optimism. The anguish will pass, the mind will be still once more, and I will come out of this experience stronger, happier and more mature. And so will she. Hopefully we will be better individuals, and better together.

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My feelings of despair and delight are quite well represented by this beautiful music: 

Project FixMe

I've been reading a lot about habits. Whoever said "we are creatures of habit" was right. Everyone has habits, good and bad, and everyone lives their daily lives on the basis of these habits.

I used to think that I'm a strong willed person, and I could do anything if I really wanted to. The more I think about it and observe myself, however, the more apparent it becomes that I'm a slave to my habits, just like everybody else.  I used to think that I could change all the bad things about myself in one shot if I really tried hard enough. Again, an illusion. Your habits are who you are, and its not exactly easy to change who you are overnight.

It takes concentrated effort to actually change something about yourself, and you're more than likely to fail at the first attempt. I now realize that becoming who you want to be is an ongoing process, and you may be successful after several iterations and changing yourself in tiny bits. And it will probably take a lifetime.

I've also realized that I tend to put things off by giving myself arbitrary excuses. However, the logical me believes that unless there's a strong reason for putting something off, there's no better time to start than now. 

In that spirit, I christen this effort to reprogram myself as "Project FixMe". I've opened a publicly accessible Google spreadsheet (link below) to mark my progress against some pre-decided goals, with the aim to achieve these goals and make them habits.

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Interesting reading on "habits" can be found here and here.

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My spreadsheet can be found here. My first goals are sleeping by 12AM each night, and getting 8 hours of sleep.

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"We are what we repeatedly do, therefore excellence is not an act, but a habit"
- Will Durant

Football Randomness

It's funny and almost pathetic, how I keep hoping that Cristiano Ronaldo has a secret contract to come back to Man United. And how every summer I think he'll come back and United will win everything.

Football videos can be really inspirational you know. I just decided that Paul Scholes is my favourite footballer. The way he stays away from attention and controversy, does his job well, and continues to remain the backbone of one of the best teams in the world is just amazing. I'm starting to think of him as a role model.

Discovering Myself #1

I am at my most creative when I'm alone. Constructive discussion and collaboration helps, but it is only possible to let go and allow a chain of thought follow through in solitude, in a peaceful environment.

This simple observation can have far reaching implications in my work life, as well as in my quest to become the ideal version of myself.

The Dreamy Kind

It's funny, how some things just lift you up and make you feel empowered. Which make you dream, and make you believe you can realize your dreams if you just try. Which make you want to become the ideal version of yourself.

For me, quite often, that something is music. Thank you, Green Children, for making me dream again. And thank you, Android, for letting me reach out.

Addiction

Those times when you're freshly addicted to something and don't have a clue how the hours melt away. Priceless.

But also productivity destroying :-/.

Rain, Oh Beautiful Rain!

After weeks of oppressive heat, intermittent cloud cover, and the heavens threatening to burst open, they finally just did. And its awesome!

Rain somehow always makes me feel happy and light headed. The feeling when I'm fully drenched in freezing cold rain water. Pure exhilaration. And the smell of the earth afterwards, heavenly. The only downside is I feel like dropping all work and just lazing around, drinking tea and smoking cigarettes lol.

I just really wish someone was here to share this moment with me.

Discipline, Success and Wisdom.

For most people, it takes a number of attempts at anything to get it right. You have to persist, and if you are disciplined enough, you'll eventually get where you want to be.

I've realized a few things since I've started working. Discipline is very important for success, no matter what you do. If you identify, organize and prioritize your tasks, have action items, and complete those action items according to plan, more likely than not you'll taste success. And things don't change overnight. Changing yourself takes time, and is difficult. Even though everyone wants to change for the better, not everyone is successful because at some point you just give up. The key is to keep at it.

It's not like I've suddenly discovered the formula for success or anything. These are pearls of wisdom that have been around for generations. And that's another thing I've learnt. Understanding comes with time. You can try to have the right mindset, but you can't force yourself to believe in something unless you understand it and the belief comes from within.

Unfortunately, as I read somewhere, age is too high a price to pay for wisdom.

Goodbye, sweet night.

It's funny, only yesterday I was thinking how much I love the night and how much I would hate to give up her company. And today I realized that to be successful in my current situation (yes, I mean my job), I'll be seeing her a lot lesser than I would like to.

Goodbye, dear friend. I shall miss you a lot.

PS: Thank god for weekends.

Happy Post :)

If you have noticed, most of my posts are kind of sad and depressing. Which makes sense, because according to my thought process here, every time I spend time thinking about my life and what I'm doing, I feel sad and depressed. Also, today is a Sunday, and I tend to start experiencing Monday Morning Blues on a Sunday morning itself. Hence, this was going to be another sad and depressing post.

However, an insane (yet amazing) person has asked me to make this a happy post. She says writing a sad and depressing post is easy, because that's how I feel. She says writing a happy post will take more effort, but it will make me feel better. And guess what, I'm already feeling better. 

She says she'll help me get better at life. By talking to me, motivating me to do my best, and also doing well herself. I honestly believe collaboration and healthy interdependence work. I've made a number of attempts in the past to try to collaborate with people, but it's difficult, and with one or two exceptions I've mostly been disappointed. But I'm going to give it another shot.

Anyhow, cheers :).

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Since I'm in a happy mood, I'm going to share a happy picture. 

Guilt and Innocence

Why is it so easy to do things that make you feel guilty, and yet so difficult to do things that you know are right? It is not difficult to live life without really thinking about what you're doing. It is not difficult to project an illusion of success, to even believe the illusion yourself. But unless you're truly satisfied with your life[1], there's always that thing gnawing at the back of your mind which tries to force you to think, to figure yourself out. And if you actually pause and think for two seconds, it's not difficult to see your life come crumbling down in front of you. 

Whenever I take the two seconds to think, it is somewhat clear to me what I should do to get where I want to be. It's the doing it that's difficult. Even though I know something will make better, more competent, even if it is something as simple as taking a walk each morning or being true to my work, I just can't seem to get myself to do it. It takes a monumental effort to even take one step in the right direction. Yet it is so easy to take a million steps in the wrong one. 

I am always running away.

Is it just me?

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Note to Self: Be strong. Keep fighting. And keep thinking.

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 [1] The only way you can be truly satisfied is if you're truly successful and have achieved all you wanted to in life, or if you're a complete idiot. And in either case, you don't give a damn what the world thinks.

Life

Now is the time to explore myself. To do different things. To try and fail. To pursue greatness. There will be plenty of time to sit back and enjoy later.

Stages of Life

Everyone has their beliefs, their own system of rights and wrongs. But just knowing what's right for you isn't enough to believe in it and to be able to follow it. You can't always tell when or how your thought process changes. It might be because of a trigger, an event that forces you to think. Or it might be over a period of time, with stimuli you can't really point your finger at. But one thing's certain, you can't really adhere to a principle or a belief unless it sinks in and comes from the inside.

Mindfuck

AAAARRGHHHHH!

I want to hurl things around with all my strength. I want to break everything in my room. I want to get drunk and wash away my pain. I want to tear my heart out, to stop feeling the way I'm feeling.

I'm pretty sure I have split personality disorder or something. Read my post from this morning and read this. I have an evil mind.

Fuck it. 

Missed Conversations

I don't have many friends. You know, many real friends.

Has it ever happened to you that you have made acquaintance with someone. Maybe met them at school or at work, but never really knew them? And then after years you talk to them, like really talk to them, and discover that they're actually quite interesting? It's a good experience.

It's just like in the hustle and bustle of daily life you actually don't know yourself very well, I guess it's the same with other people. Day-to-day relationships are only skin deep and you don't really connect with other people, don't really know them. People don't just open up to each other because they're a part of each other's daily lives.

It feels good to actually know someone.

Being Human

Why does a person give someone so much power over himself that his happiness, his actions, and even his sanity can be controlled by that someone? What does he do when he is hurting, and when the someone knows that he is hurting but chooses to do nothing about it? What does he do when he knows that letting go will only hurt more?

I guess this is what is called being human.