Warning: This is going to be a no holds barred rant. Without any edits.
On the Mental Block
Sometimes I feel that my thoughts are flowing and I'm really making progress with something. Then I move a level above the thinking and my brain stops. And I can't get back to my train of thought no matter what I do. It's like there's a marker in my head and I keep thinking about that marker instead of what I want to be thinking about. It's fucking annoying, you know.
On Discipline
There are a million things I want to do. And a fucking million others I don't. Somehow the things I end up doing are mostly from the second list.
I honestly used to believe I had the potential to be great. I'm not so sure anymore. One thing I firmly believe is that discipline is essential for anyone to be someone. And I don't have a rat's ass worth of discipline. Not in my professional life, not in my personal life. There are some very simple things I can do which will enrich my life and make it infinitely more effective. And there are certain things whose absence would do the same. I end up doing exactly what shouldn't be done. I keep telling myself "it's a new beginning from today". Which eventually becomes "from tomorrow". And that "tomorrow" obviously never comes.
On Being Lazy
I'm the fucking laziest guy I know. Also the most lethargic and unenthusiastic and apathetic. Discipline implies being proactive, and simply "not lazy". I want to be disciplined, believe me I do. Every now and then I start thinking about things I want to do, work up a certain fury within me, and brace myself to change. But before long the fire dies and I sink deeper than before.
On Not Wanting to Work but still Wanting Money
This ties in to being lazy. I would be very happy if I could just laze around all day and still have full to bursting coffers. The thing I usually fail to realize is that that is a dream. Just thinking about the end result is like building castles in the cloud. The only way that is possible, unless you come from a filthy rich family, is by getting filthy rich in the first place. And that is only possible by working hard or cheating smart. I don't seem to be capable of doing either of those things. I did believe I was very lucky but I'm not too sure of even that anymore.
On Being Optimistic/Pessimistic
When i used to be a kid I used to write these diary entries similar in tone to this rant. They always had a to-do list and a lot of positiveness which always seemed to make me feel better. But as far as I can remember I never fulfilled my goals anyway, only tried, and honestly, not my best. Don't get me wrong, I still am going to make a fucking list of all the things I want to do. But no more crap. No more fake enthusiasm. Just brash reality.
On Looking for a comrade-in-arms
I somehow have this belief that it would be a lot easier to discipline myself if I had someone else who really wanted to do something, and we could both track each other's progress and motivate each other and share our experiences. That's kind of like the idea behind alcoholics anonymous etc and I don't know if it works or not, but it certainly hasn't worked out for me so far.
I don't know how many people I've had real heart-to-hearts with. The only person with whom I seem to have one of those periodically is D. Each time we decide something like "Yes, we're going to do this. We'll watch each other's backs and get through this". We talk for hours on such days, whether it be over the phone or in person. The excitement is palpable. But invariably neither of us ends up doing anything. I don't want to say I'm better at starting or he is, but I do try to push him and he doesn't respond. And so, the flame dies again. No one is ready to put in the required effort even for themselves, let alone for someone else.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who're at this stage in their thought process, maybe it would help if I could talk to one of them. But for that, I need to know one of them. Universe, if you're listening...?
On Being Organized
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was always as fucking useless as I am right now. At least I tried to work hard and I was organized, if nothing else. Even that is gone now. My stuff is a bloody mess. I haven't had a proper to-do list in ages and ages. My notes are not planned anymore and just seem like a random jumble of bullshit. My memory seems to be failing me at work, I can't seem to remember stuff people told me just 2 days ago.
And most importantly, my will just seems to be dying. I have no fucking idea what I want to do in life. A part of me wants money and not having to worry about it I definitely want. I even might have a teeny tiny idea about how I want to start getting there. Another part wants to leave all of this behind and just run far far away. To try stuff till I figure out what I want to do. To think. I just don't seem to have the guts to do anything though, and that's the fucking problem.
On Being a Mental Wreck
If I ever spend 5 minutes simply pausing and taking a look at how things are going, this is kind of the state my mind gets to. Maybe that's why I'm not able to think, because I'm fucking scared. I may seem all fine on the outside. But I'm realizing that inside I'm mostly a train wreck. And the funny part is the train tries to pretend to itself that it's not wrecked at all.
On Darkness
I want to see the light.
