Emptiness

I'm in shock. I have no idea how the last three days went by. I practically haven't touched work, and I can't figure out how I spent those hours in the office.

Everything seems more vivid, and yet blurred at the same time. The sights and sounds of the city seem brighter and clearer, and yet more distant. The experiences beckon to me, and yet even if I have them now they will be incomplete. The dreams seem closer, and yet more out of reach.

There is an emptiness inside me, an infinite void.

However, there is also cautious optimism. The anguish will pass, the mind will be still once more, and I will come out of this experience stronger, happier and more mature. And so will she. Hopefully we will be better individuals, and better together.

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My feelings of despair and delight are quite well represented by this beautiful music: 

Project FixMe

I've been reading a lot about habits. Whoever said "we are creatures of habit" was right. Everyone has habits, good and bad, and everyone lives their daily lives on the basis of these habits.

I used to think that I'm a strong willed person, and I could do anything if I really wanted to. The more I think about it and observe myself, however, the more apparent it becomes that I'm a slave to my habits, just like everybody else.  I used to think that I could change all the bad things about myself in one shot if I really tried hard enough. Again, an illusion. Your habits are who you are, and its not exactly easy to change who you are overnight.

It takes concentrated effort to actually change something about yourself, and you're more than likely to fail at the first attempt. I now realize that becoming who you want to be is an ongoing process, and you may be successful after several iterations and changing yourself in tiny bits. And it will probably take a lifetime.

I've also realized that I tend to put things off by giving myself arbitrary excuses. However, the logical me believes that unless there's a strong reason for putting something off, there's no better time to start than now. 

In that spirit, I christen this effort to reprogram myself as "Project FixMe". I've opened a publicly accessible Google spreadsheet (link below) to mark my progress against some pre-decided goals, with the aim to achieve these goals and make them habits.

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Interesting reading on "habits" can be found here and here.

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My spreadsheet can be found here. My first goals are sleeping by 12AM each night, and getting 8 hours of sleep.

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"We are what we repeatedly do, therefore excellence is not an act, but a habit"
- Will Durant

Football Randomness

It's funny and almost pathetic, how I keep hoping that Cristiano Ronaldo has a secret contract to come back to Man United. And how every summer I think he'll come back and United will win everything.

Football videos can be really inspirational you know. I just decided that Paul Scholes is my favourite footballer. The way he stays away from attention and controversy, does his job well, and continues to remain the backbone of one of the best teams in the world is just amazing. I'm starting to think of him as a role model.

Discovering Myself #1

I am at my most creative when I'm alone. Constructive discussion and collaboration helps, but it is only possible to let go and allow a chain of thought follow through in solitude, in a peaceful environment.

This simple observation can have far reaching implications in my work life, as well as in my quest to become the ideal version of myself.

The Dreamy Kind

It's funny, how some things just lift you up and make you feel empowered. Which make you dream, and make you believe you can realize your dreams if you just try. Which make you want to become the ideal version of yourself.

For me, quite often, that something is music. Thank you, Green Children, for making me dream again. And thank you, Android, for letting me reach out.

Addiction

Those times when you're freshly addicted to something and don't have a clue how the hours melt away. Priceless.

But also productivity destroying :-/.

Rain, Oh Beautiful Rain!

After weeks of oppressive heat, intermittent cloud cover, and the heavens threatening to burst open, they finally just did. And its awesome!

Rain somehow always makes me feel happy and light headed. The feeling when I'm fully drenched in freezing cold rain water. Pure exhilaration. And the smell of the earth afterwards, heavenly. The only downside is I feel like dropping all work and just lazing around, drinking tea and smoking cigarettes lol.

I just really wish someone was here to share this moment with me.