Little Friends

I made a lot of new friends in the past few days. And a lot of little friends too. I hope I make more friends, both big and little, even though I'm not a socializing kind of person.

PS: I was reflecting on how my emotions sort of just switch off once I've left home. I love my independence. I have to figure out how to control them when they do threaten to get out of hand. You wouldn't notice either way in any case though :P.

Sometimes I just feel so vulnerable. I think about how easily things can go wrong. How easily I can take a wrong turn and end up dead (I know it got a bit too theatrical, but you know what I mean).

So I've arrived in B. I've left home and taken my first real step towards being a grown up. And remarkably, that horrible feeling I've been talking about is all but gone. For now, at least.

I join my new job tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Winds of Change

There's one thing about myself which I know without a shadow of a doubt. I'm a "status quo" kind of guy. I'm usually okay with the way things are going. And I'm shit scared of change, especially if it's sudden.

Unfortunately most major changes in life are sudden. They may be planned, but they're still sudden.

Things have been changing ever since I left home for the first time and went to college. But now I'm staring at the biggest changes so far in my young life. I'm starting a new job, moving to a new city. I'll also be travelling out of the country for some time. Also, I'm about to leave the fortunes of a certain project I'd been working on with friends to powers higher than myself. I'm also going away from her, and I have no way to know if she'll follow me.

I've been saying this about every vacation I've had for the past year: This is the last time I'll get to spend so much time at home. Now it's finally true. Today is the last day I spend at home as a kid. Tomorrow I go out into the big bad world and fend for myself. No wonder when my mom was coaxing me out of sleep this morning, I mumbled to her "Mom, please keep me at home only."

That horrible feeling I mentioned here, I have it again today.

Winds of change are blowing.

PS: Not to take away the positive things about change. I'm embarking on a new adventure. I know I'm going where I want to go, at the moment. Both physically and professionally. And I firmly believe times of major change are the easiest times to work on oneself. But that doesn't change how I feel about it.

WTF #1

I give her hell about stuff I shouldn't give her hell about. Stuff which is no one's fault really.

Am I wrong?
Yes. Sometimes, not always.

Do I realize it when I'm wrong?
If I spend a minute thinking about it, yes. In the normal course, not immediately. The problem is once I get upset over something it can only get worse. I tend to get confrontational and give her hell. Even if I realize that it's not worth it, it takes a lot of effort to pull out of an argument.

Am I pushing her away, despite having no intention of doing so?
Million Dollar Question!

Have you ever had that feeling? That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. When you know something's wrong, but can't quite point your finger at it. When little things irritate you and you're ready to throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. When you feel immeasurable sadness, when you feel like breaking down and crying your heart out.

I had that feeling today. It seems to have subsided a little, though.

Say Ooh Ah Cantona!

The fortunes of Manchester United hold the power to affect me almost physically. There is no way I won't be ecstatic after a significant victory and there is no way I won't be borderline depressed after a significant loss.

Watching well made videos about past and forthcoming glories always makes my hair stand on end with excitement. Maybe I should use these videos for therapy, like some people use chocolate :P.

King Eric is my latest obsession. What a player! What flamboyance, style and sheer ability! Once, he kung-fu kicked a mouthy Crystal Palace fan who had it coming, and later told the reporters "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea." He recently admitted that the kick was "a great feeling", and he was happy that it was treasured by his fans. Beat that :P.

United would surely have raped Barcelona if he was still playing. Long Live the King! GGMU!

Here's a video which will probably explain the title of the post. Go die if it doesn't make you feel alive. (I'm talking about the chant. Imagine people chanting like that for you)

PS: The next week will be a lot more interesting than I'd hoped :).

Old Friends :)

There are a very few people I can talk to freely, without many worries. D is one such person. One of the things I admire the most about him is how he is not afraid to say what he feels. To your face. Also he is the same with guys and girls (minus the obscene language bit of course), which is very very rare. I just hope he has the courage to chase his dreams and doesn't end up behind a desk doing something he doesn't really like for too long.

Which reminds me, I need to figure out what I want to do in life.

PS: Hawk had an amazing time with her today. They were very bold. And they've both decided not to be weird for the time being. Fun!

(You know who I'm talking about, I just haven't come up with a fitting alias yet :P)

I never thought I could be like this again. So into one person, so dependent on them that my mood from one moment to the next depends upon them. Let's be clear on one thing: I'm straight and we're talking about a "her" :P.

After my initial tryst with the world of "love" and "relationships", I thought that I had changed for good. I thought that I had become a better person. I believed that even if I did get emotionally close to someone, I would be mature enough to keep it healthy. In short, I thought that I had grown up. Apparently I was mistaken.

Don't get me wrong, I had changed. I was not easily bothered by the mundane day-to-day things that generally bother people and interpersonal relationships hardly affected me. You could say that I had become cold. Not ice-cold, but definitely cold. Yes, there were days when I felt horrible. There were certain periods when these days came by quite often. But mostly the reasons were right. And until quite recently my mood was mostly stable.

You should see my mood swings now. They're spectacular. One moment I'm happy, the very next I'm inexplicably sad, as if I've lost my very spirit. I get irked because she does something I don't particularly like, and I end up giving her a hard time about it even though I don't mean to. Sometimes she's just plain weird. Sometimes I'm just plain weird. Of course there are the tremendously happy and satisfying moments too, especially when we actually meet. And the normal times, when we give each other virtual company most waking hours of the day. But the point is my psyche is not very stable, and I hate that fact.

I really like her. That is something I'm ready to state without any qualms. Let's leave it at that.

Humble Beginnings

So, I finally decided to start a(nother) blog.
I was greatly inspired by a certain En's blog, even though I don't know her. She writes really well.

This is intended to be an open, yet private place. If that is at all possible. I used to maintain a journal till not too long ago. It used to be my best friend once upon a time, a shoulder to lean on. But as time passed by, we grew more and more distant. The most tangible reason for that would have to be my sheer laziness. Can't help it, I'm a bum. Even when I did write in my journal, it was as if I was writing for an audience, as if I wanted it to be read. So consider this a continuation, though this time people will really be reading what I write.

A humble request to whoever ends up visiting this space: Feel free to share your views and drop comments. It'll be appreciated :).

I will be careful not to take names and reveal identities. People probably will be mentioned here, so I'll make up cool aliases :D. If you think I've mentioned you and figure out what your alias is, do tell me what you think about it. I may even consider changing it if you ask nicely enough :P.

Disclaimer: A lot of my posts are likely to be melancholy and depressing, though I can't promise :P.

PS: Thanks Vader, for coming up with the URL of the blog. I may have dismissed it at that time, but it's seriously awesome. And I'm glad I registered it because otherwise I'm sure you'd have used it for your own blog :P.